90 days in 54 minutes (2)

…………………………..so, where am i? well, i still have rash problems now (just incredibly dry skin, and a bit of irritation) but it also skips past a lot of other problems if i stopped with this. in november i decided to keep my mental health problems to myself (which obviously meant everyone thought i was fine) and i decided to try and take my focus away from the disappointment i had for the people around me. i decided to lose weight. i would then go to the beach two or three times a week for a long walk, it was working, and when i say it was working, i was losing weight. i was a complete state inside, but i was losing weight. i have now gained most of the lost weight back. during november i was getting very anxious about christmas. i am a very christmasy person. its the time of the year where i manage to get over the troubles of my annual october problems, and i actually enjoy myself. i had no plans for christmas, this anxiety grew into december, i still had no plans. i didnt have plans for christmas until 2 weeks before the day. now, i usually have this sorted in september, and by now, because of what was going on in my life i knew i wasnt going to enjoy christmas. i know, it doesnt help that i was thinking this at the this time, but i do either know, or dont know. i did not enjoy christmas. it was horrible. the day was so horrible for me that i didnt want anyone to know, and for the first time in years i put on an act, a character, made people think i was having a wonderful time. i got home that night and slept for a long time, i was so tired from playing this person, and the next day i woke up and had to spend time with two people who really are not my favourite people in the world. boxing day = ruined. new year was mundane, and believe it or not it made me realise 2017 was a good year for me (earlier in the year i actually felt alright for a period of time) and that if 2018 is the same i should be grateful.

i should have mentioned that 8 days after the paramedics were sitting in my living room helping me because i was worried for myself and others, i had a PIP (benefits) assessment. of course, as you could imagine, im not going to be in a good place. i went in, panicked while i was waiting to go in, went through the assessment crying through ten minutes of it. got out, got to my car, and sat there crying for 10 solid minutes before i even put the key in. it was horrible, i was a mess, and i never wanted to do it again. in december i didnt recieve my PIP payment. i hadnt been told, but it had been disallowed with a score of zero. essentially i was fine according to the assessor, i didnt need any help, and i able to live independently without any help. i didnt find this out until early january when i called them. they had forgotten to send me a letter to tell me. now, christmas is a difficult time of the year for anyone when it comes to money, and when you find out 3 days before christmas that the presents you had bought with your card a couple of days before were going to put in you in debt it doesnt make you feel great. i managed to get over £680 into debt, knowing that it was going to be incredibly difficult to get out of it. ESA has helped, and i had to sell some of my possessions and im nearly out of my debt, but its a horrible feeling. i have asked them to reconsider, but apparently they dont change their mind, which means i will take it to a tribunal, where i imagine it will be overturned (if it isnt, i dont know what state a person has to be in to receive PIP) and i will be able to cope a little better. i have a problem with my car and i have my car tax at the end of this month, im having to sell the moths in my wallet to pay for this stuff.

ahh yes, the possessions i have just sold to help me make ends meet, my plan was not to sell the stuff i did, my plan was to sell other stuff. however, last weekend i went away for one night so i could see some friends. my last close friend ended up stealing from me, and is continuing to lie about it. i know its him, other people know its him, hes knows its him, but he wont admit it. so now i have lost my last close friend. my one night turned into three nights just to make sure what i thought had happened, actually happened. i even quoted mark twain to him ‘if you dont lie, you dont have to remember anything’. he forgot what lies he had told me before, and ended up landing himself in it. oh well. so now i dont have any close friends. i have 2 friends (not including Curborough). they are nice, and i got to see them both at the weekend, thank you for being lovely J and A.

lets get to this weekend. after the trouble of the end of last year i needed a break. i had a long weekend away booked in the middle of nowhere. the weekend was from the 19th to the 22nd of january. ill let you know right now, i wouldnt be writing this blog post if i was away this weekend. the company i had booked with decided to cancel my holiday the day before i was supposed to go. it wasnt their fault, the weather here in the U.K has been horrific, and it completely ruined where i was going and it wasnt safe. i needed this time away badly. after i found out i tried my hardest all day to try and find somewhere else to go, it reached the evening and i gave up, not only on the weekend away, but on everything. it was the straw that broke the camels back. i had been through a horrific 90 days or so and i NEEDED some time away, and it was taken from me. now i feel rubbish. soon i will start dropping problems, problems that i really have to sort, i need money otherwise i will get in more trouble, but money problems will be the first things dropped because they are actually easy to drop at this time. my birthday is in 2 days time. it will be a normal day in my life. it will be awful, i wont have a nice time, but it wont be anything special anyway. it doesnt matter though. my life isnt a pickle at the moment, its a jar of pickles, and i need helping sorting all of my shit out. i know i wont get the help, and i now know i shouldnt expect it either. my battles are my own, other people want nothing to do with them, and thats o.k. people just need to understand that if my battles become too big for me to just cope with life anymore, its not my battles faults, its not my fault, its your fault. im not a well person, i need a bit more help than most people, and to receive no help from anyone puts all of those people in the spotlight. i will keep fighting, i will keep breathing, and i will sort my life out some day.

by the way, if you actually read both of these posts you read over 2500 words, and these words were written in less than an hour. its easy to write when youve got a lot on your mind. if you havent tried it, please do.

goodnight!

six letter scary words!

so, i havent been well the last few weeks, and i thought id come on here to write about it a bit. as well as other stuff thats been going on with me.

people who read this will know by now that i have mental health issues. i suffer from schizo-effective disorder. its not the best thing in the world to have, and worst of all………..ive stopped taking my meds. there is however a reason why ive stopped taking my meds. im not well……..physically. ive had to go to the hospital a couple of times, and to the doctors a couple of times because of it as well. it seems to be that the doctors i have seen havent been very forward with telling me whats wrong with me. i even asked my doctor yesterday ‘what is wrong with me?’ and he didnt want to give me an answer. however, when i was last at the hospital i did sort of get an answer. ive got one of two things. ivbe either got stomach ulcers, or much more frustratingly…… cancer. its not easy to talk about, and it really does annoy me. i know i have to look positively, but people must understand that my mind doesnt work like that, and for anyone, to have that word put forwards, it cant feel good at all. so at the moment i am praying ive actually got stomach ulcers. all i know is, at the moment i am in agony, i cant eat properly, and mind mind is like a smelly fart, i dont want it about, but for some reason its lingering.

so actually my blog is going to be focused on my mental health now. ive not actually been too bad recently. ive been getting on with life, having the odd thoughts, having the odd meltdown, but overall im not doing too bad. obviously the trips to hospital have put things into perspective a little bit, and maybe its because ive got something new to focus on, that my mental health has been a little better! its a weird one. do i focus on my mental health, or my physical health. i suppose a big plus is, im losing weight really fast! (im putting this down to the fact im not eating much). my mental health is such an important part of my life, and as much as i want it to go away, now its sort of gone away, i want it to come back. its not really fair that i have to put up with this much. i really and honestly cant think of any reason i deserve all this, but hey, to some people, they may think i do for some reason or another.

i am however gutted, gutted that im going to miss a trip to truck festival this year. i missed out on tickets for the first time ive ever applied. so, thats annoying. ive still got my racing weekend with my dad though, which i can really look forward to! that reminds me, i want to call him.

so, im going to go now. im going to now keep people updated on here. and if you see a picture of a bottle of champagne (which i will not be able to drink) assume i have stomach ulcers! i will be celebrating!

Buh Bye!

 

i said i might be back.

so, ive writtten something, but before i write it on here i want to just say something first.

i find ignorance the biggest stigma attached to mental health and it just makes me feel 110% worse when i come across it, and believe it or not, that is every single day of my life.

this is how a conversation would go if someone was talking to me trying to help, and what would happen if i gave my first response. this is based on someone close to me, no one specific, just any person i know and love pretty much. here goes.

Ignorance and me, right now…………..

*what a nice day!
-to die
*to die?!
-yeah, you know, not live
*cheer up
-fuck off
*things WILL get better
-when you stop talking yeah
*you need to do something
-so do you!
*i dont understand you
-i dont understand you!!
*think of it as glass half full
-why not think of it as half empty?
*why would i do that?
-step into my shoes
*ok, i understand
-you dont, do you?
*yeah, youre upset
-like i said, you dont understand
*ok, fair enough, how can i help?
-go away?
*no, i want to help
-pretty sure going away would help
*how would that help?
– i want to be alone
*ok, ill go
-dont go!
*look, you’re not making sense
-i know, but i really want help
*how
-i dont know
*well thats not helping!
-why would you say that?
*ok, sorry, maybe a walk?
-no
*talk?
-no
*have you taken your meds?
-ugh
*have you?
-im not a child
*right, ok, wasnt implying you were
– i know
*how are you feeling?
-fine!
*ok
-ok?!
*yeah, you said you’re fine
– of course im not!
*are you seeing stuff?
-yes, its not nice
*have you tried……
-yes
*but i didnt…….
-ive tried it
*well, i dont know what to say
-fair enough……coffee?
*Sure!

how the conversation actually goes is……

*What a nice day!
-yeah! Coffee???
*sure!

so, there here is a bit of philosophy for you (atleast i think its philosophy)

if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound????
so, if i hurt myself, but no one can see it, does it mean i didnt hurt myself?
i can hide scars as easily as i hide my thoughts. i have to keep my illness all to myself otherwise people would react, and then i would actually get worse. ironic really…………..oh well.

so its currently……1am (ish) and i need someone to talk to, but there is no one, i need a hug, there is no one, i need a cry, but im all out of tears. i hate not being able to sleep.

P.S. that conversation would change every single time, the ignorance would remain the same, but my mood changes every second, so my answers would always be different, but i can guarantee you one thing,……………the answers would always be as negative as they are above. sorry that im a horrible person inside. i have to put on a face, and ive just realised, i always put on a face, a character, unlike what i said in my previous blog post. i just put on a different one to what i used to put on. ugh.

confused? so am i!!!

 

 

Unique to me.

So, I got very little sleep last night. And I have a feeling I’m going to go the same way again tonight. Today was tiring still though. I got really scared, and I’m not going to talk about why per say, I’m just going to say that I had never properly experienced what I experienced today. Whenever I was asked the question about this particular experience is the past I’ve always said I’ve never felt those things, they’ve never crossed my mind, and today they did. I cried…… A lot. I was frightened for myself and others. Yes, to those who would ask, I sought help from loved ones (well, the ones who answered their phones) to make sure I was safe. I mean, something must have bought this on, and yes, some people will have their own ideas as to what bought it on, and I have my own ideas, and I’m pretty sure my ideas are the right ones. Anyway…. I Calmed down and cooked dinner, had a beer, and chilled out. What I will say is that I’m frightened it’s going to all come back tomorrow, and I would t be prepared for it if it’s worse. Just got to stay safe, and use my comforts of people and food to get me through it I suppose! 

I think I want to write a poem about how I’m feeling, but it’s all a bit girly I suppose. I dunno, I just want to express myself somehow. I don’t think being on my own for long periods of time is good for me. I think I’ve got to get out of the house, to a safe place obviously. Oh my word…….. What I will say is that some people think it’s so easy for me to do stuff. Do this, do that. I’m not a fucking dancing monkey, I’ll do what I think is best for me. I hate advice, especially when I feel the way I do now. Honestly, 90% of the time I’m glad I don’t have a temper and can usually go with the flow, but my temper is here now. 

Why don’t I give an opinion I ask myself sometimes. I keep my opinions to. Yself a lot of the time……. Well,  actually, all the time. But alas, I let it all boil up inside of me like everything else. Blame myself for everything and no one else can do any wrong. I mean, the very few times I try to talk about something that’s bothering me it manages to get thrown back in my face, might as well zip up my mouth. Or maybe I should put my act back on that I had for so many years. The cheeky, little bit annoying person, who used to always talk. It’s been so long g since I’ve put a complete clock over my illness that I don’t think I could do it anymore. I am who I am I guess. 

Well…. I’m going to go now. Might write on here again in a little while. I feel like picking up a pen. But first I must smoke. 

Bye! 

The dog farted…………oh, and i’m in turmoil!

sorry i havent written on here for a while. ive been busy with my mind. ive been gradually getting sicker and sicker. ive managed to stave off as much of it as possible recently, but its really getting to me now. i started self harming again a couple of weeks ago (ish) and i really want to keep doing it. its really hard to fight off. ive stopped at the moment sort of, but i just pull the scabs off of my cuts, so that it hurts again. its probably not good to have an open wound for so long, but is it worse than mutilating my body even more? i dont know, ill think about this a little more now ive written about it.

my paranoid thoughts have got worse as well. i think i know why this is though. the other day a letter got posted through my door to do with a meeting i had with a psychologist, and it had all the minutes of the interview in it. unfortunately the dog got hold of the letter and ripped it open, which led my sister to it, and she read it. now, there were some very private things talked about in that meeting, and they are all in the letter. goodness knows what she thought of it, and whether she told anymore of my family, i dont know, but im afraid to ask her if she did tell anyone else what the letter said. i mean, i have some serious trust issues with people close to me that i dont certain people to know. this had all led to me believing things that maybe i shouoldnt believe. im hanging onto the fact that i know that maybe i shouldnt believe these certain things.

anyway maybe i ought to get onto something else. ive been trying to keep myself ‘busy’ doing stuff. well……ive been doing things i feel i have to do to basically live a life. ive gone out a couple of times in the last week, but familiar walls seem far too safe, so ive been confining myself to different sets of walls that i feel safe in. so…..home, my mates, and my aunty and uncles. i have a feeling this is going to continue, and do you know what the worst thing is?! its the fact that its so mind numbingly boring that its probably making me worse. how on earth am i supposed to deal with that? im supposed to make myself have panic attacks?! im supposed to make myself feel incredibly bad just to get better???? ohhhhh, i dont know. i would rather be bored, and not have a panic attack, and not make myself worse on my own, and stay between these four walls, these four safe walls.

so, these couple of times i went out in the last week……….one time i had a little cry on my own while i was out, one time i had a panic attack, and both of these times got to me. oh!!!!! i just thought of something to write. basically ive been getting very aggravated recently. people are aggravating me, and most people i jsut want to punch in the face. i hate so many people at the moment. say one wrong word to me and it will play on my mind for a long time. im talking a week or so, maybe even longer. i mean………..people who just talk and talk and talk about themselves get on my nerves like nothing else. turns out, a lot of people do this. so many people are so worried about themselves. i mean, im not the perfect human being, far from it in fact, but i try not to talk about myself all the time. i have outlets. this is an outlet, and my granny is an outlet. i dont think she minds me talking about myself to her, but i find that no one else listens, so whats the point of talking to anyone else?! blah blah blah…..does my freaking head in!

anyway…………what was i talking about? oh yeah (looked up), i was talking about going out. i cant do it. i cant blame myself for another thing, and i really dont want to blame myself for feeling ill (however it will probably end up that way).

right, so to sum up……im fed up with people………im fed up with being home alone, im fed up with going out…….and my emotions are all over the place. im harming myself, and having some really bad thoughts about myself and my life.

Things are going well obviously!

BYE!

 

 

The Cafe Club, Norwich!

So, I’ve been a bit of a regular at the Cafe Club in Norwich. It’s a small cafe looking up at the castle on King Street, joining rose Lane. Its petite, and cosy, but enough room to sit down and have an amazing coffee, while chatting to the friendly faces of the 2 (and I sometimes think 3) people who work there. The coffee is ground in the café, and is sooooo tasty! I’m a latte drinker personally, and a skinny one at that! At home I usually have a sugar, but not here, the coffee is so good without, and an espresso hits the spot from the cafe club! It’s open early for those getting to work (me), or for those exhausted shoppers on their way back to Rose Lane car park. Oh yeah, by the way, you can also get a delicious light lunch from here as well, locally sourced and ethically. 

I know I’m no coffee shop reviewer, however I do write on here often, so I thought I would change what I talk about for a change. If you go to Norwich, visit the cafe club! 

messed the beginning up!

im sitting here watching the vicar of dibley, and im thinking. my life is empty. i mean, there is stuff in my life. you know what………..i’ll start again.

i need some closeness in my life! i dont feel close to anyone or anything. i feel distant from everything. i want some closeness in my life. you know, someone to talk to everyday, someone to cuddle everyday, someone to share all my troubles with. i dont have this, and i wish i had it. i see other people flaunt what theyve got without them knowing how lucky they are, and its really frustrating!

anyway, i dont want to say a lot today, however i do want to mention the fact i havent taken my meds for the last couple of days, and i dont really think it has affected me at the moment. im not going to get into the habit of it because these two times were accidents. so, if im off for the next couple of days, this is the reason.

bit of weirdness now. i wrote a long winded rant the other day on here, and lots, and i mean LOTS of people read it, yet i still had no response from anyone about my blog, and my post was all about people not saying anything to me about my illness. just thought that was funny, in an unfunny way. ohhh well.

 

right, im off.

Tarra.

BIG FUCKING RANT!!!

im just sitting here, in the middle of the night now. i do this fairly often. im no night owl, or a morning person, just an insomniac from time to time. i remember once i stayed awake pretty much the whole time for 2 weeks. i literally has barely any sleep, we’re talking…….5 hours in 2 weeks. i got ill, physically and mentally, and it wasnt nice. im sitting here now because i can feel my illness flaring up at the moment. i can feel anger brewing inside of me. i know why this is as well. i turn other emotions into anger because i dont want to feel upset, but i want to feel, so i feel angry instead.  it doesnt help when people do push my buttons as well. people are so self centred sometimes (well, actually all the time). i touched on this in my last blog post, but all people want to do is talk about themselves to me, even if i need to talk about me for a little while. i dont do it very often (talk about myself) and when i do it, i feel like someone should be listening, but alas, no one is listening, the conversation just gets turned on its head, and the person i was talking to just ends up talking about themselves. ugh! annoying or what?! i do talk about myself though. i talk about myself on here. i dont get any replies on here, i dont get any enquiries on here, but you know, im ok with that, because im hoping that out there someone is reading this who is going through the same problems as me and they can relate. i dont need anyone to talk to, i just need to know that maybe somewhere in the world someone is relating to what im talking about. so, hello out there!, person who is relating to me. much appreciated.

so, im wide awake at the moment. tried everything to sleep, but nothing has worked. i think im just going to have to pull an all nighter with no one to talk to. fun times! to be honest, if i had someone to talk to, they probably would just talk about themselves anyway, so im probably best on my own tonight. i stress tonight, because in this world, i dont want to be alone. i do want someone with me, through the ups and downs of my life, and the ups and downs of theirs as well. i feel like im drifting away from some of my friends, while trying to keep up with others. thisd doesnt feel so good. i love my friends, and i dont want to drift away from any of them, its just difficult trying top keep everyone happy. i know! its not my job to keep people happy, but i want to. so, to those friends out there who i am abandoning on a weekly basis, i am honestly and truly sorry. anyway, getting away from my point. sorta got ‘rejected’ yesterday. i say it in coma’s because i dont think it really was a proper rejection, more of a ‘im happy with the way things are between us’ sort of thing. im happy with that because why would i want to spoil another friendship??? theres plenty more fish in the sea i suppose. chin up Tom! i’ll find someone lol (think that might be the first time ive ever ‘lol’ed in any of my blog posts!

what should i talk about now? ah yes……the ever increasing feeling that my life is being controlled by the people closest to me, so that it suits them instead of me. im pretty sure thats what is going on. yes thats right, you may think im doolally, but things point in that direction. its just the subtle things people say, and the way people act, and more importantly…….react to things that happen in my life. pretty sure that shits happening. conspiring!!! thats the word i want. they are all working as a team against me. its not nice. and im just waiting for one person to slip up. maybe i should do some investigating, like the whole hidden camera thing i had going on in my head. havent explained that before??? well! for about a year and a half i had a feeling my family were spying on me with hidden cameras. i mean…..i was alone in the house, they wanted to see what i got up to, to make sure i wasnt planning to kill them or myself, or whatever. you know that sort of crap. well…..i spent a while looking for cameras recently, and i couldnt find any. none, zilch, zero. i think that set my mind to rest a little there, but no doubt the thought will come back into my head at some point and haunt me again. ohhhhh well. a new day, a new paranoid thought.

tell you what….i wish i had a simple mind. one that didnt go a million miles an hour just because someone asked me if i wanted a cuppa. one that doesnt constantly come up with the worst outcome of every possible movement i make, thing i say, or every breathe i take. you know, i worry about everything! some things are anxiety related, some are paranoid thoughts, and some are really delusional, but i get on with life fighting my way through the fog of my mind, i suppose thats a good thing. as i said before though, i wish it were simpler, i wish it wasnt a fight. i wish it would all go away to be honest, but there you go, i suppose you put up with what you were born with. oh dear me.

now i want to talk about how ignorance is bliss…………..no…………actually i want to talk about something else. i want to talk about support, and how people are ignorant to this, and how it creates stigma. so, earlier on this evening i admitted on facebook to having called the samaritans, they didnt actually help me, i hung up all angry at them, but they helped a friend of mine once who was in a really bad situation, and this is great! however! to get past that little part of stigma of mentioning the fact that ive called a suicide hotline, i got no support. for all my friends know, i could have called them yesterday. why arent people talkming to me about this sort of thing??????? why do i ask actually. i suppose it was a rhetorical question because i have the answer. its awkward for them. ‘what should i say?!’ do you know what. its incredibly awkward for me to put things like that on facebook! its a mini achievement for me to tell people i got in a really sticky situation. wonder what the hell would happen if i told people i had cancer. how much support would i get for that i ask myself, because i reckon it would be a damn site more than me almost losing my life to myself. because thats what it is. its my mind beating the shit out of itself until it cant cope anymore, and im stuck with the thought of finishing myself just because my brain really cant cope anymore. even your heart and soul get hypnotised into thinking its a good idea! you think in your heart that it would be better for everyone if i wasnt about anymore. your sould is all shrivelled on the bottom of your shoe. no fight left.ohhhh well.

you would think writing about suicide would make me upset, but it doesnt. what makes me upset is the fact that i could write on facebook, or on here, that im going to do it, and people would be too worried to even say anything. it makes me angry. TALK TO ME ABOUT MY ILLNESS!!!!!! maybe im wrong actually. maybe people just dont have any questions. maybe i do get support. tell you what though. dont feel like it. tell you who gave me the most support recently. S, if you’re reading this, and you know who you are, thankyou. first thing in the morning, felt completely alone in the world and you popped up out of nowhere! thank you. and ill have that drink with you soon! but other than that one occasion, i dont really see the support. *deep breathe*.

i msorry ive ranted this evening. ive had a lot to say, and i needed to get it off my chest. there are many things important to me in this world, and i love all those things. i dont want to let them go, but maybe ill have to cut a few ties in the not to distant future just to sort my life out a little more and make it a little mroe comfortable. we’ll see.

goodbye!

lies, and self obsession.

so, im going to write a little bit more today, because i need to.

yesterday’s blog post was a bit of a lie. i want to move on with my life, but i dont feel like i am. i know what i want, what i need, what i know i should do, but im not doing it. i mean sure, sorting out my illness is one thing, but i dont want my illness to be my whole life. i mean, its a chunk, but i dont want it overwhelm my independence. thats right! i did just admit that my illness gets in the way of me, and my illness isnt…….me! anyway, i digress.

right. so im bored to tears right now. i am literally on the verge of crying its so bad. i need a bit of something in my life to get me active, get me exhillerated! get my passions going. im yet to find this, or may have found it, but it hasnt found me. i dont know. i know i want something anyway.

might shave the facial hair off tonight though. think ive had enough of it.

i dunno, i need to go look at myself in the mirror and sort myself out, afterall, no one else really helps with this sort of thing in my life. a lot of the time people just want to talk about themselves nowdays. anyway, who am i to talk, i write about myself on here all the time. i suppose the difference is, people can choose not to listen to me.

losing a bit of faith in mankind again. oh well.

Buh bye.

 

Baby steps, and some much larger ones!

so, im making headway on my illness. doing quite well. im on a course to make me sort my life out more, im going to see some guy, who does some thing to do with my illness, and im going out more than ive ever been out i think.

wanna thank a few people without naming names. so, cheers to my friends!!! you know which ones! thanks to my family as well for putting up with me! thats it lol.

what else have i been doingh to sort myself out? ive been playing a lot of piano, getting ready for christmas. i do like christmas, and its sneaking up on us again.

now im sitting here with a beer, watching crap tv.

oh yeh, and i sort of asked someone out.

BYE!