im just sitting here, in the middle of the night now. i do this fairly often. im no night owl, or a morning person, just an insomniac from time to time. i remember once i stayed awake pretty much the whole time for 2 weeks. i literally has barely any sleep, we’re talking…….5 hours in 2 weeks. i got ill, physically and mentally, and it wasnt nice. im sitting here now because i can feel my illness flaring up at the moment. i can feel anger brewing inside of me. i know why this is as well. i turn other emotions into anger because i dont want to feel upset, but i want to feel, so i feel angry instead. it doesnt help when people do push my buttons as well. people are so self centred sometimes (well, actually all the time). i touched on this in my last blog post, but all people want to do is talk about themselves to me, even if i need to talk about me for a little while. i dont do it very often (talk about myself) and when i do it, i feel like someone should be listening, but alas, no one is listening, the conversation just gets turned on its head, and the person i was talking to just ends up talking about themselves. ugh! annoying or what?! i do talk about myself though. i talk about myself on here. i dont get any replies on here, i dont get any enquiries on here, but you know, im ok with that, because im hoping that out there someone is reading this who is going through the same problems as me and they can relate. i dont need anyone to talk to, i just need to know that maybe somewhere in the world someone is relating to what im talking about. so, hello out there!, person who is relating to me. much appreciated.
so, im wide awake at the moment. tried everything to sleep, but nothing has worked. i think im just going to have to pull an all nighter with no one to talk to. fun times! to be honest, if i had someone to talk to, they probably would just talk about themselves anyway, so im probably best on my own tonight. i stress tonight, because in this world, i dont want to be alone. i do want someone with me, through the ups and downs of my life, and the ups and downs of theirs as well. i feel like im drifting away from some of my friends, while trying to keep up with others. thisd doesnt feel so good. i love my friends, and i dont want to drift away from any of them, its just difficult trying top keep everyone happy. i know! its not my job to keep people happy, but i want to. so, to those friends out there who i am abandoning on a weekly basis, i am honestly and truly sorry. anyway, getting away from my point. sorta got ‘rejected’ yesterday. i say it in coma’s because i dont think it really was a proper rejection, more of a ‘im happy with the way things are between us’ sort of thing. im happy with that because why would i want to spoil another friendship??? theres plenty more fish in the sea i suppose. chin up Tom! i’ll find someone lol (think that might be the first time ive ever ‘lol’ed in any of my blog posts!
what should i talk about now? ah yes……the ever increasing feeling that my life is being controlled by the people closest to me, so that it suits them instead of me. im pretty sure thats what is going on. yes thats right, you may think im doolally, but things point in that direction. its just the subtle things people say, and the way people act, and more importantly…….react to things that happen in my life. pretty sure that shits happening. conspiring!!! thats the word i want. they are all working as a team against me. its not nice. and im just waiting for one person to slip up. maybe i should do some investigating, like the whole hidden camera thing i had going on in my head. havent explained that before??? well! for about a year and a half i had a feeling my family were spying on me with hidden cameras. i mean…..i was alone in the house, they wanted to see what i got up to, to make sure i wasnt planning to kill them or myself, or whatever. you know that sort of crap. well…..i spent a while looking for cameras recently, and i couldnt find any. none, zilch, zero. i think that set my mind to rest a little there, but no doubt the thought will come back into my head at some point and haunt me again. ohhhhh well. a new day, a new paranoid thought.
tell you what….i wish i had a simple mind. one that didnt go a million miles an hour just because someone asked me if i wanted a cuppa. one that doesnt constantly come up with the worst outcome of every possible movement i make, thing i say, or every breathe i take. you know, i worry about everything! some things are anxiety related, some are paranoid thoughts, and some are really delusional, but i get on with life fighting my way through the fog of my mind, i suppose thats a good thing. as i said before though, i wish it were simpler, i wish it wasnt a fight. i wish it would all go away to be honest, but there you go, i suppose you put up with what you were born with. oh dear me.
now i want to talk about how ignorance is bliss…………..no…………actually i want to talk about something else. i want to talk about support, and how people are ignorant to this, and how it creates stigma. so, earlier on this evening i admitted on facebook to having called the samaritans, they didnt actually help me, i hung up all angry at them, but they helped a friend of mine once who was in a really bad situation, and this is great! however! to get past that little part of stigma of mentioning the fact that ive called a suicide hotline, i got no support. for all my friends know, i could have called them yesterday. why arent people talkming to me about this sort of thing??????? why do i ask actually. i suppose it was a rhetorical question because i have the answer. its awkward for them. ‘what should i say?!’ do you know what. its incredibly awkward for me to put things like that on facebook! its a mini achievement for me to tell people i got in a really sticky situation. wonder what the hell would happen if i told people i had cancer. how much support would i get for that i ask myself, because i reckon it would be a damn site more than me almost losing my life to myself. because thats what it is. its my mind beating the shit out of itself until it cant cope anymore, and im stuck with the thought of finishing myself just because my brain really cant cope anymore. even your heart and soul get hypnotised into thinking its a good idea! you think in your heart that it would be better for everyone if i wasnt about anymore. your sould is all shrivelled on the bottom of your shoe. no fight left.ohhhh well.
you would think writing about suicide would make me upset, but it doesnt. what makes me upset is the fact that i could write on facebook, or on here, that im going to do it, and people would be too worried to even say anything. it makes me angry. TALK TO ME ABOUT MY ILLNESS!!!!!! maybe im wrong actually. maybe people just dont have any questions. maybe i do get support. tell you what though. dont feel like it. tell you who gave me the most support recently. S, if you’re reading this, and you know who you are, thankyou. first thing in the morning, felt completely alone in the world and you popped up out of nowhere! thank you. and ill have that drink with you soon! but other than that one occasion, i dont really see the support. *deep breathe*.
i msorry ive ranted this evening. ive had a lot to say, and i needed to get it off my chest. there are many things important to me in this world, and i love all those things. i dont want to let them go, but maybe ill have to cut a few ties in the not to distant future just to sort my life out a little more and make it a little mroe comfortable. we’ll see.