A box of coffee chocolates.

so my head is being very annoying today. its starting to delve even deeper into the constant thoughts im having. i try to fight all of them off but i cant because of whats going on. ‘how widespread is this?’ ‘who knows?’ ‘am i safe anywhere anymore?’. these are ones im fighting with at the moment. writing this im worried, but i have to get things off my chest.

i know that im almost a one off in this country right now. i know im unusual (professionals tell me this), i just dont quite know in what way they mean it. i know my life isnt run the same way as everyone elses, and i am very hesitent to tell people things, but i sort of have to get on with my excuse of a life.

i like it when people think im doing alright so they leave me alone, they take time away from me, take a break, and let me get on with things, but my life is not what people see. a depressed person can laugh, an anxious person can socialize, a paranoid person can seem extremely rational. what i do like is when people think they notice depression, anxiety, paranoia, or something else in a person. they will tell you why they think it may be the case, and they are generally a mile off. if im genuinely frustrated about something, or i dont want to go to something, or im having opposing thoughts to someone else i will speak about it. these things are not depression, anxiety or paranoia, these things are the things people in general feel from day to day. my internal problems dont show, they dont have a face or a voice. i keep this stuff to myself. what i will say is that i know a lot frustrates me at the moment, and i have good reason for it, and generally the frustrating things correlate with my struggle with my mental health, but these arent the root problems.

my fuse is a lot shorter than it was a few months ago. ive been tossed about by family trying to shrug me off, deserted by friends and family. ive been ignored, told that at the end of the day family and friends arent there to look after you, that you have to get on in life all by yourself. now, i had a friend who used to say they had to do things on their own. what they didnt realise is they had friends all around them and family looking after them, but their decisions were theirs. pretty much everyones decisions are their own, all of these people are in the same boat, but support is important, and the person who told me none of this happens, they have family support, they have people care for and about them, but they just dont see that they have it. now, ive been told im in this boat of support, however i am not. one person in my life has seen this, they see what goes on with me, and how little support i get, not for my mental health, but in life in general, and they think its disgusting. living life with little to no support in general is a big strain. this is why my fuse is short, no one will help me, so fuck them!

i have started making decisions on people who are in my life, family members only really (dont have friends). ive decided that i will treat each individual person how they are to me. if youre in my family and you have an associated name (mum, dad, granny, grandad, sister, brother, etc….) i probably wont treat you as the person i’m supposed to treat you as if im not treated by my associated name. im not treated like a family member in my family, i am an acquaintance to these people. i am pushed away from these people by the people themselves. its horrible.

to do with my mental health………..i wish there was someone that could help me, actually help me with my really underlying issues. what im going through essentially has never been researched, its barely been seen, and im unlucky enough to be going through it. when i tell people i dont want them to understand whats going on, its not because they can if the delved, its because they really cant. the thoughts im having are unfathomable to people, to professionals!

i have to be careful though. im very aware of how close my problems are to surfacing, and this cannot happen. things will go wrong very very quickly and i might end up in a place i dont want to be. pretty sure im 20% away from going off. i need to find a way to relax, i need to get away from some stuff, and i need to clear some space in my head.

Good luck me!

bye.

 

Unique to me.

So, I got very little sleep last night. And I have a feeling I’m going to go the same way again tonight. Today was tiring still though. I got really scared, and I’m not going to talk about why per say, I’m just going to say that I had never properly experienced what I experienced today. Whenever I was asked the question about this particular experience is the past I’ve always said I’ve never felt those things, they’ve never crossed my mind, and today they did. I cried…… A lot. I was frightened for myself and others. Yes, to those who would ask, I sought help from loved ones (well, the ones who answered their phones) to make sure I was safe. I mean, something must have bought this on, and yes, some people will have their own ideas as to what bought it on, and I have my own ideas, and I’m pretty sure my ideas are the right ones. Anyway…. I Calmed down and cooked dinner, had a beer, and chilled out. What I will say is that I’m frightened it’s going to all come back tomorrow, and I would t be prepared for it if it’s worse. Just got to stay safe, and use my comforts of people and food to get me through it I suppose! 

I think I want to write a poem about how I’m feeling, but it’s all a bit girly I suppose. I dunno, I just want to express myself somehow. I don’t think being on my own for long periods of time is good for me. I think I’ve got to get out of the house, to a safe place obviously. Oh my word…….. What I will say is that some people think it’s so easy for me to do stuff. Do this, do that. I’m not a fucking dancing monkey, I’ll do what I think is best for me. I hate advice, especially when I feel the way I do now. Honestly, 90% of the time I’m glad I don’t have a temper and can usually go with the flow, but my temper is here now. 

Why don’t I give an opinion I ask myself sometimes. I keep my opinions to. Yself a lot of the time……. Well,  actually, all the time. But alas, I let it all boil up inside of me like everything else. Blame myself for everything and no one else can do any wrong. I mean, the very few times I try to talk about something that’s bothering me it manages to get thrown back in my face, might as well zip up my mouth. Or maybe I should put my act back on that I had for so many years. The cheeky, little bit annoying person, who used to always talk. It’s been so long g since I’ve put a complete clock over my illness that I don’t think I could do it anymore. I am who I am I guess. 

Well…. I’m going to go now. Might write on here again in a little while. I feel like picking up a pen. But first I must smoke. 

Bye! 

‘Un’ stimulated.

So, ive been worrying about a few things recently, stuff that i haven’t written about on here really, and maybe a bit of stuff people can gossip about as well. so here goes, hope i don’t bore you too much, but basically i need help!

right, i’m beginning to worry because Mr X hasn’t called. last time we met up was about a week and a half ago, and he said he would get back in touch with me within the next couple of days after. he has not. i need to talk to him about my medication, i need to talk to him about how i’m feeling. i feel i cant talk to other people about this. i get very emotional telling people like family my ‘problems’, and often i get worried they’ll judge me or they’ll change the way they act around me. i don’t need people to completely change around me, i just need a few things changed. its not a lot to ask, i suppose its like being a vegetarian, you eat other peoples food, just not all of it. i find it hard when normal people ask me how i am, how am i supposed to answer???? i’d rather not answer, i just immediately ask them how they are, thus avoiding that problem straight away. anyway, when Mr X asks me how i am i just answer honestly, words, feelings, emotions just gush out, and i need that right now. why hasn’t he called is something else i really worry about. am i not worth talking to any more? is he fed up with me? does he not like me? what have i done wrong. I talked to my mum today and she told me to call or text him. i cant call or text him, i don’t want to make a fuss of anything and i think there must be a reason as to why he hasn’t got in contact with me. i don’t know. i do worry. i need to talk to him about going back to work as well. HMPH! oh well, just one more thing to worry about.

Now, i get ideas in my head of things to do, but i never want to do them once i start. i’m finding it really hard to find things to do, things that would stimulate me. people suggest things, “come over! have some tea with us!” by all means please keep on asking but the majority of thew time i will say no because that’s just how i’m feeling. i don’t feel like doing anything anyone suggests, even though the suggestions are few and far between anyway. i’m not interesting enough to have people pay attention to me, i do wish i was more interesting, i feel the only time i possibly am interesting is talking about my illness. for those who want to know, yes i hear things, i see things, i think things, and i’ve done things in the past, all these things i do unusually, please feel free to ask me about these things. Anyway, i don’t know what to do, i just potter around watching television, staring into space, getting too caught up in my thoughts. i think i need something big ad spontaneous to happen for me to get the thrill out of anything. i don’t know. See! i need help!

now, on a more normal note, i’ve been quite good with my money while i’ve been off work. this month i spent nearly £400 less than my wage so ive got some money for the more difficult times (if it comes to it) in my life. i don’t quite know how i’ve done this because  when im off work i usually spend more money! well, i suppose its a good thing. now for something that worries me. I’ve been staying at my grandparents for a little while now. yes, i’ve been other places as well, but the majority of the time i’ve been spending it at my grandparents. i feel bad because i’m not paying housekeeping. i have to pay my own rent even though i’m not there at the moment, and yes i’ve got a bit of money, but do i ‘pay my way’ at my grandparents. i do stuff around the house, as much as i can (i’ll come to just how useless i am in a moment) and i bought them quite a nice Christmas present as a thank you for last time. should i pay housekeeping? should i just buy them something really nice when i’m back to normal? i don’t know. talking about money to people is difficult. thank goodness for this blog!

I dont really look after myself when im ill. i don’t wash as much as i should, i don’t shave very often, even brushing my teeth gets put to one side as well. i certainly don’t look after my weight (even though a lot of weight is to do with my meds), and i really don’t pull my weight. I need to even get stimulated to get out of bed in the AFTERNOON! i have really slowed down on drinking alcohol anyway. my medication (Olanzopine) doesn’t mix well with alcohol, so i only do it on the odd occasion. i don’t know what to do about all of this. i need to get that ‘get up and go’ attitude, but i really just don’t have it right now. I also haven’t had the urge to have sex in a very long time either. it doesn’t bother me that much but, to coin a phrase from the tv show ‘friends’, “i’m worried for my health!” its really something i should be stimulated about, but i’m not. But i reckon its better that i have feelings for someone at the moment, romantic feelings, and they are nice. i haven’t felt them for a very long time.

Right, im going to go now, i was going to write about something else today but i’ve just got so much on my mind, i just write certain things down.

Bye!