A box of coffee chocolates.

so my head is being very annoying today. its starting to delve even deeper into the constant thoughts im having. i try to fight all of them off but i cant because of whats going on. ‘how widespread is this?’ ‘who knows?’ ‘am i safe anywhere anymore?’. these are ones im fighting with at the moment. writing this im worried, but i have to get things off my chest.

i know that im almost a one off in this country right now. i know im unusual (professionals tell me this), i just dont quite know in what way they mean it. i know my life isnt run the same way as everyone elses, and i am very hesitent to tell people things, but i sort of have to get on with my excuse of a life.

i like it when people think im doing alright so they leave me alone, they take time away from me, take a break, and let me get on with things, but my life is not what people see. a depressed person can laugh, an anxious person can socialize, a paranoid person can seem extremely rational. what i do like is when people think they notice depression, anxiety, paranoia, or something else in a person. they will tell you why they think it may be the case, and they are generally a mile off. if im genuinely frustrated about something, or i dont want to go to something, or im having opposing thoughts to someone else i will speak about it. these things are not depression, anxiety or paranoia, these things are the things people in general feel from day to day. my internal problems dont show, they dont have a face or a voice. i keep this stuff to myself. what i will say is that i know a lot frustrates me at the moment, and i have good reason for it, and generally the frustrating things correlate with my struggle with my mental health, but these arent the root problems.

my fuse is a lot shorter than it was a few months ago. ive been tossed about by family trying to shrug me off, deserted by friends and family. ive been ignored, told that at the end of the day family and friends arent there to look after you, that you have to get on in life all by yourself. now, i had a friend who used to say they had to do things on their own. what they didnt realise is they had friends all around them and family looking after them, but their decisions were theirs. pretty much everyones decisions are their own, all of these people are in the same boat, but support is important, and the person who told me none of this happens, they have family support, they have people care for and about them, but they just dont see that they have it. now, ive been told im in this boat of support, however i am not. one person in my life has seen this, they see what goes on with me, and how little support i get, not for my mental health, but in life in general, and they think its disgusting. living life with little to no support in general is a big strain. this is why my fuse is short, no one will help me, so fuck them!

i have started making decisions on people who are in my life, family members only really (dont have friends). ive decided that i will treat each individual person how they are to me. if youre in my family and you have an associated name (mum, dad, granny, grandad, sister, brother, etc….) i probably wont treat you as the person i’m supposed to treat you as if im not treated by my associated name. im not treated like a family member in my family, i am an acquaintance to these people. i am pushed away from these people by the people themselves. its horrible.

to do with my mental health………..i wish there was someone that could help me, actually help me with my really underlying issues. what im going through essentially has never been researched, its barely been seen, and im unlucky enough to be going through it. when i tell people i dont want them to understand whats going on, its not because they can if the delved, its because they really cant. the thoughts im having are unfathomable to people, to professionals!

i have to be careful though. im very aware of how close my problems are to surfacing, and this cannot happen. things will go wrong very very quickly and i might end up in a place i dont want to be. pretty sure im 20% away from going off. i need to find a way to relax, i need to get away from some stuff, and i need to clear some space in my head.

Good luck me!

bye.